The Phoenix Requiem: The Sporking V1
by quicksilver009
Summary: A parody of Sarah Ellerton's 'Phoenix Requiem'. Poor Jonas Faulkner gets smacked around everywhere he goes...kinda literally!


Jonas Gets Bitch-slapped: A Phoenix Requiem Parody

Chapter 1

Once upon a time in a country called Donweil in an unnamed decade of the 1800s that lacked a map, there was a handsome Gary Stu named Jonas who had an Indian burn on his stomach from a frenemy. He stumbled through the forest, hoping he would look sexy if he died. He clutched the Indian burn like it was a bulletwound because he was whoring for attention. Finally he reached an Alaskan town (oops I meant Donweilan town) called Esk. Seeing that, he fell down to con people's attention.

Meanwhile there was an unexplained party going on that had something to do with spirits. The original author called it "All Hallows' Eve", which to us regular readers sounds like Halloween, but the author never tells us exactly what it is. Little kiddies were playing with ghost kite-things. In the background was a girl named Anya standing next to a useless character named Dr. Moretty.

Anya was a Russian chick who came from a meaningless nation called Mishara. She looked so generic she didn't look like anyone. She looked kinda like a zombie Barbie doll in an 1800s coat. Oh jah and she had brown hair and brown eyes. Dr. Moretty was a meaty-looking guy with a beard and glasses. He wore glasses becuz he wuz a JEANIUS. He turned to Anya.

"Anya, do you believe TEH SPIRITS are coming back?" asked Moretty.

"No," she answered. "I'll stick to my Misharan deity!"

"What's Mishara?"

"A country like Russia? Something like that? I wish I had a map."

"Oh, forget it. The author won't make one." He ROFLcopter'ed to himself.

The two kids had fun with their spirit-y kite thingies and went out somewhere they could see the firelights better. One kid was a cute lil girl named Coraline, who will be a useless character later on to show Jonas is a saint. She saw a man with an Indian burn on the snow. Her friend went off to get help.

She stayed by Jonas and saw a Dakor wolf thingy, which comes from the author's other work Inverloch. Then help came and rescued the comatose Jonas.

Anya stood in her home to give Jonas surgery for the burn.

"Oh crap," she said, looking at his unfortunate injury, "I wish Dr. Blythe was here! I don't know what to do!" She was an incompetent nurse anyway who wasn't actually serious about her job. She found a YouTube video on her steampunk computer and used that as her guide. Then she healed him and had sex with him.

Chapter 2

A tomboy whore named Petria had a swordfight with a schmexy ex-soldier named Robyn she tried to throw herself on long ago. Tomboys aren't supposed to exist in Victorian times so it's a wonder she even survived so long in the story. Oh well.

Then they had a pointless conversation. Robyn talked about a spirit-war thingy. It would of made an awesome flashback but the author annoyingly told it instead of showing it. Then Petria and Robyn went to the bar to get drunk.

Chapter 3

It was another day in the office for Anya. Jonas was in a coma. She whined again about being Dr. Blythe's maid because she didn't realize that was part of the job 200 years ago. She got her first patient.

He was a dude named Jerral who was muttering some crap about magic. Anya said magic wasn't real and put this dude to bed.

She went out the door to leave him because good nurses leave their patients to suffer and die, but Jerral's wife came running. She wanted to stay by her husband's side.

Anya turned towards her comatose dude because he was cuter.

"Forget him!" yelled Jerral's wife. "My husband is dying!"

"So will this man if he doesn't get food," said Anya, though the human body can survive for a month or more without food, you dumbass. She checked on the cute guy then decided to go to Tobias's apothecary to get medicine or something. "I won't be gone long!"

"You better be or I'll sue for malpractice!"

Anya was out the door. She caught up with tomboy Petria, whose green coat was too tight. They wasted twenty minutes talking on the way to get medicine. Jerral's wife came running.

"My husband just died, you bitch! Malpractice!" she screamed.

"Petria! Stay with her!" Anya ordered. She ran back to Dr. Blythe's hospital place, which must not have taken her very long or else she could have observed Jerral so would know how to treat the next patient.

Jerral was a bunch of rotted flesh. Anya shrugged her shoulders and failed to look shocked or show any emotion, because she must be a robot.

"Hello!" said a voice behind her. It was Jonas.

"Snowman! You're alive!" she said. "And you have no shoes!"

"I have a foot fetish!"

"How interesting!"

"People say I'm a boring fellow, so I have to make up something. Tally-ho! Apples and pears! Blimey! Bugger!" He made up crap in London-ese to impress her.

She wasted ten minutes talking to him before she appeared for Jerral's funeral.

There was his funeral at the church, but we never get to see anything because Sarah's too into her characters. Anya displayed no emotion while Jonas acted too cheerful. They flirted some more.

"Say, I'm a brilliant doctor and I saved a man from uncertain death!" said Jonas, who totally ignored the fact someone just died.

"I'm a brilliant doctor and I saved a man from uncertain death!" repeated Anya like a robot. Her friends came in.

First Jonas was shocked at Petria wearing pants even though she looked sex-ay. Then he was shocked at Robyn for actually being somewhat interesting. They had smalltalk and everybody was happy.

Chapter 4

A male spirit who looked like Orlando Bloom appeared to Anya, who was in her transparent nightgown. The spirit wanted to see everything, but the author censored it. He was disappointed.

"Anya," said the spirit, "kill Jonas!"

"Say what?" she said.

"Kill Jonas!"

"Again?"

"Kill. Jone-ass."

"Okay, now I hear you."

"Kill the Gary Stu so he may return to the spirit world and frrrreeee ussss!"

"Okay."

"That's all?"

"I'll kill Jonas for you if you have sex with me!"

Anya and the spirit had sex. Then the spirit disappeared from her bedroom. Anya went to sharpen her best Cutco knife to do the deed.

Later Anya went to Jonas's house to kill him. He awakened at screamed because now she looked even MORE like a zombie.

She killed him and chopped him into tiny pieces like an insane person would. She thought he was dead for good. But then those pieces turned to mercury and re-assembled themselves.

"Anya, what the hell! What the hell!" screamed Jonas.

"A sexy male spirit asked me to kill you!" she said nonchalantly, because Sarah's Ellerton's characters act like death is nothing and give bad people who die no respect. The hooligans.

"That's my wife in disguise! Because I married a man. Who thought he was a woman. Before I killed her, bwahahaha! But then he came back in ghost form for revenge as a woman. Now he's...trying...to kill me. For good reason. Hey, I really am insane!"

"Yes you are, Jonas!" She reached in her nightgown's pocket and gave him LSD. He saw funny things in his vision for the rest of the night.

A Chinese chick with a too-tight yellow dress and an matching umbrella saw Jonas and Anya. She was unhappy. Her name was Li-hua.

"Jonas! You dickhead!" she yelled.

"What'd I do?" he asked innocently.

"You bastard! You got my brother hanged!" WHAP! She swung her umbrella at him, causing him to fall to the ground. He looked at her with a silly face.

"I think you'll find he brought that fate upon himself when he tried to kill me," said Gary Stu Jonas like an insensitive clod.

"Jonas! Show some respect!" shouted Anya.

WHAP!!! Li-hua brought down her umbrella again.

"Oweee!" cried Jonas like a little girl.

"You dick! Why did I choose you to be my suitor!" Anya was angry. She couldn't believe she'd healed this clod's Indian burn in the beginning.

"Anya! Defend me!"

"Not this time!" She bitch-slapped him.

Then Li-hua bitch-slapped him.

Then his wife appeared and bitch-slapped him before she disappeared.

"Owwww! That hurt!"

"That's nothing compared to losing my brother!" Li-hua yelled. She folded up her umbrella again and went off in a huff.

"Jonas, we better get going so you can meet my perfect parents in my family of Sues," said Anya, grabbing his arm so she Indian-burned it.

"Okie dokie," said Jonas.

"Oh yah and don't act like an ass in front of them."

They went to her perfect little Victorian-style house. They went inside but the reader couldn't see the pretty backgrounds because the colors were too dark and the characters crowded out the backgrounds because this is a serious drama. They went to a random bedroom. Jonas sat down without his shoes because he knew Anya had a shoe fetish. He went asleep.

Then he awakened in a frame that looked like he was going to invite Anya to bed so he could rape her and kill her, because his personality fits a serial killer's profile. But he didn't because he was in the wrong comic.

"I'm awake," he said in a sexy voice. Anya sat next to him in a sexy position. She gave him a pill. "What's this?"

"LSD," she answered, "because you're so boring. It makes you see things."

"Cooool."

"What Li-hua said to you really upset you!"

"That spirit that talked to her brother wasn't a spirit...it was Zombie Hitler coming to kill us all!!!"

"Oh crap, that's horrible! Why do you still carry that ring in your pocket?" She meant his wedding ring that she wanted to sell on steampunk Ebay.

"Because it's shiny."

"That's all?"

"That's all, folks!"

"I'll leave you be and talk to my parents."

"Okie dokie." Anya left the room. Suddenly Jonas's wife's spirit appeared in the room. She made an anvil fall on his head, causing him to turn into an accordian. She disappeared. A maid glanced in the room and thought she had gone made when she heard him playing "Fat Girl Polka" in the room.

Jonas met Anya's generic little brother Slavik. BTW Jonas wasn't an accordian anymore. He thought his face looked funny because his mouth was too low and then he had strange mouth shapes when he talked. He cocked his head like an anime character and got stuck that way.

Anya led him so he could meet her parents. Her old man had a huge mustache and her mother looked just as generic as Anya but was supposed to be older. She actually didn't have many sags on her face or as much fat. The reader thought she was boring.

Anya's mother took a good look at Jonas. She was repulsed by his appearance.

"Get this thing out of this house!" she screamed. "Out! Out! Out!"

"Oh crap she doesn't approve of you," said Anya.

"Wah! I'm sad because I'm the Gary Stu hero and everybody's supposed to wuv me!" he cried.


End file.
